Friday, November 6, 2009


I am feeling a kinda blah today.

Which means normally I would just skip right over the idea of posting something today, because I know it isn't going to be a joyful, uplifting, full of fun post! But, I have a lot on my mind...I
will try not to be a "Debby Downer" & try to focus on positive things, but just giving you fair warning here!

I feel like this year I have done a pretty good job at filling up my life with distractions.
Last year my life was completely obsessed with becoming pregnant!! I lived & breathed conceiving thoughts and I just knew that it was all going to work out just fine. (I guess that could be the positive thing here, no matter what has happened, I don't feel like I have gotten too overwhelmed by the whole thing, I don't know if I am just in denial of my issues still, or if God is granting me peace throughout this process!)

This year I have been working really hard at NOT thinking about getting pregnant.
Now in reality, when you are ready to be a mother, no matter what you do, you are still going to be constantly thinking about just push it to the back of your mind.

But, have a ever done a fan-tab-u-lous job at distracting myself!!
2009 has been a year of travel.
In January I was able to go with Mom to visit Flavia in Brazil.(Where I got super sun-burned-you can read about that here & here.)
February brought a California trip with Kevin and another couple friend of ours (Anna & Tim).March was a trip to see my baby sister Mary in Texas!(Sisters do the soul good!!)

A family trip to Indy for my Grandma's 80th Birthday!Kevin and I enjoyed a nice long weekend down in Gulf Shores visiting a friend & a weekend trip up to North Carolina for a wedding, and I was able to take a fun trip with Mary to Charleston over the summer,and then September and October brought on the most amazing European trip! (Germany, Austria, Italy and the Czech Republic)(I had to include a picture of the Trevi Fountain because I did throw in a coin and make a wish here-well, I said a prayer-bet'cha you could guess what I was praying for!)

I am one blessed girl!!

But that isn't all that I am doing to keep myself distracted!
Oh no! Amoung other fun things, I have also been filling up my spare time with a good amount of sewing recently and I have really put a ton on my plate for the next two months. Therefore, 2009 should leave no room for dwelling on the fact that I am still not pregnant (and I don't feel like I am any closer to becoming a mother)...yet those feelings are still there.

Here is my question: What is the key to truly distracting myself so that I can get pregnant already?
Everyone says, "As soon as you stop trying it just happens!"
I am sorry, but I just don't agree with that!
We stopped "trying" at the beginning of the year, (meaning no more expensive Dr. appts)...but I am still the same girl, in the same dysfunctional body, that doesn't seem to think making babies is what it wants to do!

Maybe this sadness I feel has to do with the fact that 2008 seemed to be the year of babies...
and then 2009 happend and it is even more so!
Even my baby sister's friend is pregnant! (whose name is Emily-so mom said she has become more detailed in her prayers-praying for Emilee Hope Binkley Turner to get pregnant, so as not to be mistaken for someone else named Emily-I love you mom!!) I am able to be happy for these friends of mine, but deep down inside I feel a little jealous pull at my heartstrings...and I don't like that! I don't want to believe that I am so easily made jealous. I know I would never want anyone to go what I am going through, but must it feel like everyone I know be pregnant all at once!?!

But, just when I think I might start to feel down, I have a wonderful day full of fun distractions and I, I am the lucky one, no worries about getting home to the babysitter, no lugging around a stroller everywhere I go...but then again...

I don't care if I had to lug around a stroller everywhere
I wouldn't even care if I just stayed home all the time
Motherhood is what I want
in all its glory and stress!

Hold it....
let's pause one moment here!

Am I so smart that I really know what is best?

Maybe I am not ready for motherhood.

Perhaps, there are things I need to learn first

, please place them on my heart so I can learn.
I want to be ready!
Until then...
I will continue to be greatful for the peace He gives me...
and the wonderful distractions!!


Angie said...

I was so hoping that towards the end of this you would say, "and now I'm pregnant."

I know a bit about how difficult it can be to want a child so badly, and have a hard time conceiving. One thing that I read from someone else was that when other people have babies it doesn't take a baby from you. It is a reminder that new life can begin at any time. It brought comfort to me when I was having a hard time being excited for friends.

I hope that you can find peace and joy in whatever is brought to you.

Andy's Bethy said...

Oh baby girl. You know how to make a big sister cry. I don't have any answers. I don't have any words of wisdom. I just have my listening ears - always. One day at a time, little Miss Bronte.

Anonymous said...

sooooo I talked to someone on the plane about some sort of cream that you can use... let's get online and see what we can find out about that. You will be a mommy someday.. I know it!!!love you sweetie/.... marme