Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Crazy busy mess in my head

I have about a million and one things swirling around in my head at all times, but recently I have been feeling overwhelmed and dreading silence. (Because that is when my thoughts really seem to overtake me!) There is so much going on in this little head of mine, and I haven't taken the time lately to write any of it out and try to make sense of it.

I spend a lot of time in my head (thinking) when I am driving.
(Let's face it, that's better than texting or reading while driving...I am still coherent enough to concentrate on the roads, but I am getting something else done beside just getting from point A to point B...which is so miserably boring to me!!)

Sometimes I am writing blog entries that never actually get written (like how my mole lab results came in as benign so I don't have anything scary to report from there...unless you consider the fact that I had an age spot on my back removed at 28!! I really think I must be a science experiment-a first cloning (of my mother) that went terribly wrong!!),

sometimes I am going over my to do lists,

sometimes I am thinking about baby names, (I really love to think about that-no matter how much it seems to become more obvious that I am stuck in this world as an infertile being...which makes me feel so incompetent as a woman.)

sometimes I am just enjoying a thought about a book I have read or movie I watched.

Yesterday my mind was especially busy and I was mainly thinking about my life with IC. (I am guessing because a friend of mine called me yesterday and asked if she could give my number to a friend of her's that has recently been diagnosed and is having a hard time, and one of my recent Dr. appointments was with a new Urologist)

I don't really talk about it much, but IC, in a way, consumes me.

My life before IC was so much easier. I still was a Binkley girl, which means I still used the restroom more than any of my other friends, but it was normal for me since all of us Binkley girls seem to have somewhat overactive bladders! After IC I feel like a complete idiot sometimes. How can I, a 28 year old women, have so little control over my own body that I feel that I have to stop and pee on a 30 minute drive somewhere.

I do has changed since I have had IC.

What and when I eat,

where I go,

my job,

my passions & ambitions,

everything has had to adjust to this new lifestyle that at times consumes me!

I still do things I love, but how they are done and how often has changed. Even my dreams are different. As much as I ADORE travel, it is something that I know I will never be able to really enjoy like I used to, since I have to get to a bathroom (or at least know where one is, just in case) at all times! (Just read any of my posts from Sept/Oct 2009 when we were in Europe. An amazing trip, but how different it could have been without IC being a part of my life!)

Now, I don't want this to sound like I am making this post a soapbox for me to proclaim complaints about living with IC, I just want to get my thoughts out there. I feel completely blessed in how fast we were able to discover what was wrong, and not feel as much like I needed a mental health check since I actually did have a medical condition explaining what was wrong with me. I wasn't just losing my mind! Also, since we caught it so early, I hardly ever have to deal with the pain issues that can overtake you when you have IC. I mainly have issues with frequency and urgency problems and I stick to a crazy strict diet to keep my symptoms to a minimum.

I believe that everything happens for a reason
, (or that God can help us use what happens to us for a good purpose) so there has to be a reason behind me having this condition.
I don't think that it is so that I can enjoy the beauty of public restrooms worldwide, so it must be that maybe I can bring comfort or encouragement to someone else who is dealing with the same thing. And if that is true, if me having this issue can bring some little glimmer of hope and encouragement to someone else, than it is worth it. (Although, if it is so that God can perform a modern miracle and heal me and amaze the doctors and everyone I know, I wouldn't complain about that being the reason either!!)

On to the point...sorry sometimes I write like I think, in a rambling sort of fashion!
I will try to remember to post some stories about life with IC on here at random, and if you know someone with IC please feel free to give them my email or blog information, because I would love to be there for them and help in any way I can. Therefore I am planning on adding links to IC (And infertility...might as well face reality, instead of living in denial like I do most of the time, and offer hope/insight/a listening ear to anyone dealing with either of these issues!) blogs, websites, etc and be a light in this wonderful wide blogland for anyone who is dealing with a body that just doesn't want to work properly.

(Side note: I finished The Tenant of Wildfell Hall last night, and so I plan on watching the movie version I have and posting a review about them soon, I also "sandwiched" the quilt top, batting, and backI made on Sunday together, so now I just have to quilt it. Maybe I actually will get it done in time for the shower on Saturday!)


Anonymous said...

sorry about the failed experiment... I don't think you're a complete failure though as you are pretty fun to be around.... : ) mom

Andy's Bethy said...

I missed this posting - I think this is a good idea. When you use your experiences for the good of others, it somehow makes them seem less bad... more like they have a purpose.
I am very proud of you, and how you handle all of what life hands you with grace and faith. You are an amazing woman little sister. I love you!