Friday, October 31, 2008

Not Pregnant

So, that was what the EPT test read Wednesday morning. (I had called the nurse and she gave the o.k. to just do an EPT rather than coming in and spending all the extra money on the blood work. She did say that if I got a positive I would need to come in so that they could be sure everything was at the levels that they want to see them at, but if it was a negative then that was fine.)
I cried in the shower as I got ready for the day. Then as I was talking to mom, she was trying to make me feel better, Kevin overheard part of our conversation and he got really angry with me. He left for work while I was in the bathroom so I didn't get to talk to him and so now I was really upset because I am not pregnant and my husband is mad at me-but after being married for five years I knew better than to call him while he was angry because that wouldn't fix anything!!
I was too upset to head into work, and it had been slow this last week anyhow, so I decided to go vote and see how I felt after that. On my way out the door my wonderful neighbor Heidi was heading out to a Dr. appt. for her youngest daughter (they have had colds going aroud at their house) and she saw me and stopped as she was heading out. "Today is the day right?" she asked, and I basically started crying as I said it was a negative and she came over and gave me a great hug and talked to me for awhile and it really helped me feel better to know that someone cared so much!! I love my neighbors and I am so greatful to have Heidi, since all my sisters moved far away!!
So I called into work and said I was going to vote and would call them when I got done. I stood in line, outside in the cold & wind, for 1 1/2 hours while I waited to vote. I read a mystery book I had stuck in my purse and that was a good distraction from the reality of my life! I finaly got to the voting both, and then headed out in the cold again to go into work. The ENTIRE drive into work I was crying and mom called me and said that I should go up to her place. She was working on clearing out her bedroom and bathroom and that would be enough to keep me distracted until I was ready to talk. So I drove into work and made sure they had the paperwork they needed to put together the daily and left. I think I kept my eyes dry the whole time I was in the office so that was good. Then I drove up to mom's and only cried part of the time.
Once I got up to Adairsville I was cried out and ready to work. Mom gave me a big hug, asked if I wanted to talk-I said no and stared working. We worked the entire day on just her bathroom and bedroom (I guess it was around noon by the time I made it up there) and really cleared out a ton of trash and junk and made great improvement in at least those two rooms of the house. (Every room in the house really needs that kind of attention, so clearing out her house is an overwhelming project!!!)
By the end of the day I was ready to talk some, I saw how the stress of everything we have been going through, the past few months especially, was getting to both Kevin and I and we both just reacted to it differently. I was ready to go home, fix some dinner for Kevin (I don't cook, so I picked up a nice Chicken pot pie and stuck it in the oven when I got home), and move on with my life. We didn't talk about it that night (but he did thank me for dinner) and it wasn't until last night that Kevin gave me a big bear hug and told me it will all be o.k. and that God knows what he is doing, not to worry, etc. etc. (All the things I know are true, it still just really hurts!! I don't know if it is because I feel like a failure as a women or what.) Kevin can be such a sweetheart when he wants to be. He told me he doesn't look at me any differently even though I have this issue, and he knows that I will be a mother someday, and I am still young and not to worry. (Again, all things that I know, but although it is nice to hear him say he loves me no matter what, it doesn't really make me feel any better.) He even said he had found some stuff for me to read, but I said no thanks, I appreciate that he took time to look that up for me, but I just don't think that anything I read, or anything someone says is really going to make me feel better. I just have to keep on keeping on. I am taking it one minute at a time and getting through one day at a time, and I know everything is going to be o.k. Not only o.k. but wonderful, because I have a wonderful family, great friends and neighbors, a wonderful husband, and best of all an awesome God, so I know that everything will be great! I just might not be my chipper, happy self right now, but I know the real Emilee will be back soon-I am slowly seeing her come back each day!! (Wow, that is kinda wierd writing in third person!!)

5 comments:

Mandi said...

Emilee, I am so sorry to hear about your very tough last few days. I am continuing to pray for you. *Big Hug*

andysbethy said...

I love you. I am so sorry that I am not there to hug you.

mom0ktdid said...

I haven't abandoned commenting...I have read this several times now and I just can't think of good words to say. I pray God will give you peace that passes all understanding....

Kelsey and Travis said...

That is the right way to think Em. Just keep on keeping on. It is ok that you don't feel your chipper self, there is a time for everything and that includes a time to cry. Just don't let it keep you down forever because there is a time for laughter and it is coming soon just over the horizon. I love you!!! Kels

The Unlikely Homeschooler said...

I just checked your blog and wanted you to know we are continuing to pray! I'm so thankful Heidi was there that morning at that moment and that you were able to spend the day in the presence of loved ones without the pressure to 'talk'