Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Decisions, decisions....

So, now what to do.....First things first, thanks for everyone who has been praying for me. I know that is how I have been able to make it through these last few days without feeling too horrible! I wouldn't go so far as to say I am my normal bubbly self, but I am really doing good considering it all I think!!

I am still at a crossroads here trying to decide what the next step should be. Do we try the shots and IUI approach again, do we take a month off, do I switch jobs to something that offers insurance to cover infertility and try an IVF cycle? There are so many questions running through my mind right now, so I guess my prayer request is that I will be able to hear what the right answer is for this next step.

I think I really want to just jump right in and do the IUI again, I am young and fairly healthy overall, so surely this is going to work eventually, or am I just setting myself up for disappointment and wasting time and money trying this route, instead of going for the IVF. However, IVF doesn't always work either. One of my friends tried that 4 times and still didn't get pregnant. You also hear of so many instances where couples try this for years and then give up and get pregnant on there own. I don't know what to say when people say this. Are they saying you shouldn't try this, it will all come together when it is supposed to, or is it just that they don't know what to say? I think if you know you have a problem, and you know of a solution that Doctors have figured out works (even if not all the time) shouldn't you give it a try? I know that if it isn't supposed to work, it won't-but if this is the way I am supposed to get pregnant it will. I think everything happens for a reason, or that we can at least learn and grow from everything that happens to us. Maybe I am going to be able to use this experience to help someone else through the process as well. Or am I just telling myself what I want to hear, because I want to keep trying this, and really I am just wasting my time/money/emotions/efforts on someething that isn't going to work?!? Why is this all so cunfusing?

On a positive note I feel like I have really learned a ton about the human body (or at least the whole reproductive wonder world) while we have been going through this. I don't understand how any scientist, doctor, etc. could ever be an atheist because the human body is so complex and amazing, it could never just "happen" by chance. What a wonder it all is. In a way it makes you feel really special that all this works so perfectly to create life, then you get mad/sad cause it doesn't work for me, yet it works perfectly for the 15 year old who is messing around with her boyfriend in the back of a car-why?!?!? (Kevin keeps telling me we should have had sex before marriage because then we would have kids, and I tell him that is a silly idea, because not everyone who has sex before gets pregnant, and not everyone who doesn't has problems getting pregnant-I think he is just giving me a hard time!)

The whole thing really makes you question anyone who says they got pregnant when they only did it once, because their timing had to be perfect. Well, I guess there are a few days to play with-in a perfect environment inside a women sperm can live for 2-5 days (they don't get anywhere if the environment is hostile-which is apparently one of my problems!!) and normally ovulation takes 24-48 hours, so there isn't really a ton of time each month for the miracle to happen. Plus, it is interesting to know that when you actually get pregnant it might not be the day you had intercourse due to whenever it is that you are actually ovulating!

There is your science lesson for the day...pretty cool stuff isn't it!! It makes me want to learn more, but that would take time, and I have too many other things to think about! I don't know if I will be a home school mom or not, but all this really makes you want to be one, so you can learn about the amazing world around us (and inside us) all over again!! I think I would really have fun being a home school mom, but then again, I don't think I would want to be responsible for teaching some subjects, so maybe I will just be a part of the PTA! (See my hope here, I know I will be a mom eventually!!)

Side note: Mom and I had some fun with retail therapy over the weekend while Kevin worked on mom & dad's floors (quarter round and transition boards). I got some cute new shirts and then some great baby gifts! -I have a ton of baby showers coming up-everyone is pregnant!!-


andysbethy said...

I have no advice. I don't pretend to know what God has in store for you. But I do know this: He does have every day in his hands. I know that doesn't help make the decisions, and doesn't make the stress any less. But at least it is a promise that you can hold onto with complete assurance. I will do my best to be here for you, every step, every day, whatever steps you choose to take, okay!
I love you so much Emilee Hope!

mom0ktdid said...

And you shall be a mom! And a great one! I know you will make the right choice!

mom0ktdid said...

btw....when it comes to choosing school for those kids....as a mom, you will just KNOW when the time comes, so don't even stress about that! Enjoy the "pre" school years.

Kelsey and Travis said...

I love you Amelia!!!! I am praying for you. You know that you are not alone in this, we are all thinking of you and trusting with you that God will lead you through the doors/window or maybe even unexpected hole in the wall that he has for you. Kels