Friday, March 12, 2010

The same old song and dance...

Aunt Flo hasn't been around in awhile. In fact, if I was a regular kinda gal, she would have been by for a visit twice already since last time she came around...but still not a word or whisper of a visit.

Since I have PCOS, this is a common thing, so I was not overly concerned about this lack of visitation. In fact, in some ways it is nice not to have to worry about preparing for her to visit... but then again, she can also show up unannounced and at very inopportune times, which isn't any fun at all! (Normally almost any time we are going on vacation!)

However, even though I KNOW it isn't possible, there is still a part of me that wonders, whenever I am waiting around on a visit from Aunt Flo, if maybe the reason why she hasn't shown up is because another, more permanent visitor has arrived. Again, the likelihood of this visitor is between slim and none, but there is always the slight possibility that it could be that. Miracles still happen every day. So I start to get my hopes up...they creep up very sneakily, while I am busy telling myself not to get hopeful, not to dream the impossible dream, but somehow that little glimmer of hope slips in there.

So yesterday evening, I decided I should at least check to be certain. If you have a guest you want to be prepared for their visit, and be sure they are well provided for. The house would be cleaned, with special attention to the guest room, fresh linens would be put on the bed, the pantry and fridge would be stocked with both a healthy and appetizing fare to be sure the guest enjoys their stay..etc. Since I have IC, I barely eat enough nutrients to keep myself in good health, forget trying to keep someone else healthy as well, so to be on the safe side, I would want to know ASAP if I did have a special guest arrive.

Therefore, I did the test....and had the results I knew I would have. When I broke my back in a car accident when I was in college...I knew exactly what was wrong, as soon as it happened. When I wasn't feeling well and found out it wasn't a UTI (plus I already had other suspicions as well after hearing a radio commercial) I knew I had IC! So I feel like I would KNOW if there was something different going on. Even still, when the results came up...I was so disappointed. I didn't cry, or get angry, I just dove into a book for awhile to zone out and think about something other than my life, but even still, the next day, it hurts just a little to think about.

I know I am blessed beyond words with the wonderful life I have been given! I am so thankful and happy for all of my friends, family, strangers even, who are constantly announcing their happy news of additions to their families, yet somewhere in the back of my mind and heart, where I push it down so that I don't have to think about it, my heart breaks just a little bit more every time I read the happy announcements. Again, I love my life and am very thankful for the freedom Kevin and I have since we don't have little ones, to travel, spend money on basically whatever we want, etc...but none of this takes away from my ultimate desire
to be a mother.

Because I don't want to end on a sad note...I am a happy kinda gal!!...Here are a couple pictures to brighten your day. I picked up this yummy goodness last weekend. (You didn't really think I could get out of the Intown Quilters (The quilt shop where we have our AMQG meeting) twice without buying anything did you!?!)

Some of the fabric was for a special project using this pattern as the basic plan, with some variations, that I need to have FINISHED before next weekend!!! (So I started cutting out the pieces last night and will hopefully get some major progress on this project tonight after work...unless I take up Kevin on his movie night offer!!)
Here is the stack of books and a dvd that came in from Amazon this week too! Yay!


GenealogyMom said...

Hugs to you, Emilee, and prayers for a special miracle.

Sara Binkley Tarpley

Andy's Bethy said...

Oh baby sister. I love you. I can't say I completely understand what you are feeling, since mine has been different, but I understand some of your pain, and I will share as much as you will let me.
Never let hope die.

Mandi said...

Emilee, I want you to know that even if you had ended your blog on a sad note, that would have been perfectly fine. It's okay to feel down about something that hurts so much. I'm praying for a miracle, my friend.

Anonymous said...

We should talk!I have PCOS and our son was adopted cause we blew through too much money in fertility treatments to see straight. I have walked this path. I am sorry it is a sucky one.


I'm sorry M. I'm sorry this is so difficult right now. BUT...

I read through your entire blog a couple a weeks ago, and WOW! What a trial you and K have been through. But are still an optimist! That is what is so great about you - you never loose Hope! Kinda neat how your parent's already new that when they named you! So nothing in life is by chance. You'll be a Mom. No, you'll be a Magnificant Mom!

Here's to never loosing Hope - because there is a Big Father upstairs who can easily stomp on Little Miss Aunt Flow anyday anywhere. Besides, He's a MUCH better guest - he doesn't need any extra prep - just an open heart - something you have your entire life!


The Book Whisperer said...

I just stumbled across your blog as you had a link to my Anne Bronte book review (thanks for that) and I love your blog.

When I just read this post my heart broke a little bit for you. My husband and I have had 5 miscarriages in our 9 year marriage and still no baby and what you wrote about other peoples joy and announcements really struck a chord.

The only thing I can do it send you big hugs and say that time really is a great healer. I never believed it in the early days, each announcement was like being slapped in the face but it really does get easier to live with over time.

Boof x